when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
