Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
