My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
