Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
