What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
