Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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