somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
