When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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