I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
