Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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