I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
