I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
