I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
