My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize