My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
