You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
