im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
