i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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