The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
