I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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