This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
