we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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