This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
