You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize