he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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