I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
