my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The cops high fived after they tackled you
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize