Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
