Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
