DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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