I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
