I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
