i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
