I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize