remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's official drugs can't kill me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize