not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
