her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize