We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
