I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
