Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
