I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
