I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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