made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
