I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
