dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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