So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
