You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
