One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
