You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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