It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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