I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Your cock deserves a montage
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
