He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
