I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
