Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
