FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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