I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
