Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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