I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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