Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
