Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
