Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
