I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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