Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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