Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
