found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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