I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
