he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
