Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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