an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
