do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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