so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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