you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
