I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dicks are not precious.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
