I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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